*I’ve got a special kind of language going on here. If you run into any terms that you don’t quite comprehend, check out The Girl To Go To Glossary. If you find you are still confused feel free to comment. I’ll answer your question. 

Let’s get narrative shall we?  Sheila is hot. I mean she really is something else. Most girls  don’t quite achieve this kind of beauty. She secretly loves the attention she gets from guys. But often they are intimidated by her looks. I mean short brown hair, eyes like fire, legs like you’ve never seen. It could make a guy a bit nervous.  She would really like for a guy to come up to her and ask her on a date. She hasn’t dated anyone in quite sometime now and she feels disconnected from the world. She never hits on guys, it’s not really her style but desperate times call for desperate measures. That’s where Geno comes in.

They met at a bar. He was tall, built and even had a scruffy little beard the kind Sheila just loves. He is a friend of a friend’s. Very funny guy indeed. He is making everyone laugh and everyone seems to love him. So she goes for it. 

Geno is flattered. Sheila is gorgeous. When she approaches him he can see his two friends in the corner out of the corner of his eye edging him on. So of course he says YES. He loves it when women come up to him and ask him out. Why do guys have to do all the work? And she seems very confident, sure of herself. That is very sexy. So it’s a date. Wednesday night they are going to have dinner and then see a movie.

Wednesday rolls around. Dinner is awkward. Geno is nervous and talking a lot more than most guys do on first dates. Sheila knows his whole life story before they step into the movie and she couldn’t get in a word edge wise. He also lacks the confidence he had in front of his friends. But…he is really cute.

Geno is surprised Sheila isn’t asking any questions, she’s just waiting for her turn to talk. She doesn’t seem as confident as she did at the bar the other night. The shirt she chose to wear was rather homely and she’s pretty giddy which makes her seem…younger. But she is really cute. 

After the movie they both wait for the other one to invite them over. Geno drove so when he pulls up to her house there is an awkward moment. Sheila asks him in for coffee. He complies. It isn’t long before they start kissing. Geno makes his way to the bathroom to make sure his breath is on point. When he comes out Sheila is lying on the couch like a doll. She has lacy underwear on. He should have a boner. But he doesn’t. He goes over to her anyway. She pulls him on top of her and starts kissing him. Geno takes the lead, he doesn’t really have a choice. It takes him longer than both of them had hoped for to actually get it up. When he does he hurries through the sex crossing his fingers that he won’t lose his hard on. It’s sloppy, bad and boring. They are both bored. They try to be polite. Geno makes up an excuse as to why he has to leave. Sheila feels used. She lets him leave in silence.

“All men are the same,” she thinks to herself after crying for a few hours. She calls a friend over to watch movies and comfort her.

“What is wrong with me?” Geno thinks as he drives home. he spends the night alone and depressed. He can’t imagine she would ever want to talk to him again after his poor performance.

The sad truth is this happens all too often. No, Geno wasn’t using Sheila. He really wanted to like her and is very insecure about his performance. He thinks she would never speak to him after the terrible sex they had.  But Sheila thinks she just got humped and dumped. They are both taking everything rather personally and most likely won’t ever get the chance to talk it over and find out what really happened. This in turn will cause them to shut out for a while and become more jaded towards the next person they date. No one will ever figure out that they are just two lonely bottoms in need of a top. What I mean to say is both Geno and Sheila are Submissive. 

Notice how Sheila NEVER goes up to guys. Only when the thought of being lonely hits her does she step out of her comfort zone and ask Geno out. And notice how Geno loves the idea of a girl coming up to him and asking him on a date. In a bar setting especially where alcohol is involved they both see what they want to see. Geno appears to be a tall man with a beard who is built. And Sheila seems to be a very strong, aggressive female. His buddies are also watching him and he doesn’t want to look “gay” or like a “pussy.” But at dinner no one leads the conversation. So they both end up blabbing to fill in dead silence. Normally a more dominant person leads the conversation by asking a lot of questions. They do a lot of listening and the conversation goes in the direction they want it to go (like many other things.) And Sheila wore an outfit making her look innocent. During dinner they both knew deep down that this wasn’t right for them but they were both a good blend of lonely and horny so they went for it anyway.Geno wanted Sheila to spank him a bit, pinch his nipples and jump on him, make out with him and then ride him. Sheila wanted Geno to conquest her but instead they both sat through bad sex leaving them feeling probably more lonely than they started off. 

 OK. Here’s the fun part. Before you go out fishing in the wrong pond it’s time to Self Assess. I’m always going to bring it back to you. A lot of mistakes can be avoided by doing so. It’s a hard thing to do. Especially in arguments. It’s so hard after screaming at someone to say, “Wait what did I do wrong?” But in doing so it’s less likely you find yourself in that particular sort of screaming match in the future.  And here’s the deal, you may not think it true but it is more comfortable to sit back and say, “All men are dogs.” Than to actually have to face yourself and your needs and wants. Especially in a society that says that Submissive women are weak, victims who let men use them. 

GOLDEN RULE We will not judge ourselves for what makes us come harder

Part of Self Assessing is letting the judgement go completely.And I mean it. To my Hetero Girls out there, I’m so serious. This is coming from a Feminist Lesbian. Try to keep politics out of the bedroom unless of course…it makes you come harder! if you like a man to push you around and call you a dirty little slut, if that makes you have squirting orgasms than by all means  work it. Submissive men, let the Ladyless Homies go. I personally think that submissive men are very sexy. I’m not the only one trust me. So go after what you really want.

When people hear the word “submissive” they see a secretary on her hands and knees with an apple in her mouth crawling towards her master. In extreme cases that may be the case but in most cases it’s not. In fact in most cases it’s hard to find people that are 100% submissive or dominant.A submissive is a person much like Geno or Sheila who enjoys being dominated. This can mean many things but they more than often like their partner to take the lead sexually, make decisions etc.These individuals often enjoy being penetrated. If they do penetrate it’s usually when they are told to. Often times people view the person being penetrated as the “weaker” person. Penetration is not a weapon when used properly. And there is much power in being penetrated as well. A good example is the image of a penis before penetrating a vagina. It is bigger and harder but once a vagina gets a hold of it it becomes flaccid and smaller. In essence the vagina “chews it up and spits it out.” That’s another way of looking at vaginal penetration. Bottoms are more comfortable and open to being vulnerable which makes them very strong, and very well connected people. You’ll know if you are a good bottom because you have what it takes to make people want to pounce on you and take control. You’ll know a good bottom when you want to pounce on them too. They are cute, subtly sexy and often times excellent cuddlers. And they know how to keep their Dominant Partners in check by letting them they run the show in certain areas. 

Perfect matches: Tops, Versatile Tops

Again, this is not some person with a mask on and a leather belt chasing you down the street in an attempt to whip you into submission. This is just a person who is more than often comfortable with running the show.Dominant people take great pleasure in paving the path ahead of them and watching others follow. They are aroused by partners who listen and take orders well. They are also flattered by the trust that their partners instill in them to make most of the decisions.Dominants like to “check” their partners often. Which means they like to keep their partner in check by making outlandish demands sometimes or punishing them in one way or another (maybe even just the cold shoulder) when their partner fails to comply.They often enjoy penetrating. And if they are being penetrated they may be specific about how they want it to be done.  A good dominant knows how to get inside the head of the person they are dominating. You’ll know you’re being dominated when you find yourself doing little things just to please the person or gain their approval. You’ll also know because most likely you are getting pushed around a bit in the bedroom and loving it. You may even feel out of control, that’s because you are. 

Perfect matches: Bottoms, Versatile Bottoms

Ooo. This one is a lot of fun. This is a person who is more Bottom Savvy but sometimes, and this could be a 70/30 split, a 50/50 split, or a 10/90 split, they enjoy being dominant.I like to call these Switches.  And Versatile Bottoms just so happen to be my match for perfect lovers. There is nothing hotter than a girl who can lure you in and let you take control, then at the last minute switch it up and surprise you. Versatile Bottoms are often well aware of situations they should be in control of and situations where others should take the lead.

Perfect matches: Tops, Versatile Tops

This is the category that best describes how I am in almost every area of my life except for when I’m learning something. Then I have no desire to run the show until I have enough knowledge to not embarrass myself. Versatile Tops are more comfortable and prone to situations where they are in control but every now and then they like to switch it up and let someone else hold the reigns.  These individuals also tend to have an amazing grasp of when they should take the lead and when they should take a step back. They don’t come on as strong as Power Tops and may not even make their dominance obvious until later…when it counts. They often like to dominate first in the bedroom because that is what gets them off the most. They may not lead the entire conversation but they will most likely lead most of it.  And their dominance can catch you by surprise sometimes. 

Perfect matches: Bottoms, Versatile Bottoms

Again, some of this may sound a little different. But the general concept should be clear. Cheers and Love,Chantelle 

I’m at the beach with one of the most adorable women the Bay Area has to offer (and there are plenty) when my phone beeps and as I’m looking at the ocean and finding new places to rub lotion into said girl’s back (”Wouldn’t want you to get any red spots now would we?”) My phone beeps. It’s my brother Chris and this is what the text reads: 

“This is one of those situations where you take on 11 hours of work but during the last hour you’ve reached your limit and have no sanity left to proceed. ..”

“Your mind slowly reverts to a state not unlike that of tripping on mushrooms, people make statements that you can hardly process…”

“It feels like your reaction is from a roulette wheel of impulses that increasingly grows in slots that include “punch the person” or “Scream” and you wonder when your luck will run out and you’ll stop landing on “manage to control your insanity by a thread and continue dying inside.”

Wow, right? Should a man with literary talents like this be so selfish as to hide his ramblings from the world? Anyway, I really want my brother to conjure his ball power together and start a blog of his own.  I mean I smell some true talent.Can I get an Amen? 
Lil’ Weezy in the flesh… 

Remember the day you realized you were a Lesbian? Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. I think it probably took me a series of days and several “moments of realization” to come to the point where I accepted my sexuality. I can’t pinpoint an exact moment.

Now let me ask you another question. Do you remember WHO made you realize (or at least start thinking) you were a Lesbian? I bet you remember her like it was yesterday. I don’t know about you but I can still smell her hair, see her freckles and here her charming and subtle voice whisper, “Girl I would totally hook up with you,” after stirring up trouble in a few Lesbian chat rooms. Out of all the wonderful word collaborations I have come across in my years I have to say that is still one of my favorite sentences.

Every Lesbian has been turned out in one way or another. Maybe it was your best friend in High-School, or a girl you never thought you would even have a conversation with, let alone your first orgasm. Or maybe it was an actress in a movie you still store underneath the secret tile in your bathroom. But what happens when WE become the lucky lady a future Lesbian will never forget? Being unforgettable is a rather weighty matter, don’t you agree? Are we prepared to be so memorable? I know for sure I wasn’t.

In fact, I wasn’t ready for Miss Nathalie at all. I met her right after I woke up from a nap. I wasn’t even going to go to Big Bear. I was flying out to New Jersey in a couple of days to visit a few friends and a fine young lady I met at a club months prior. Little did I know love was just a cold trip, a minor…major altercation with my ego, and a few shameless phone calls away.

#1) Is It Just Your Imagination?

Or maybe it’s the alcohol. Either way, assumption is one hell of a sinking ship. Sit back and view the situation as if you were an outsider, not one of the key players.

In my case I was a strapping, young predator. I had been single for 5 years and always on the prowl. I considered it my career to notice when women were attracted to me. (Too bad I didn’t focus some of that ambition on something that would have gotten me a life.) If I wasn’t on point then I didn’t get women, it was that simple. When I met Nathalie she mentioned she had seen my page on MySpace then tried to play it down like she wasn’t “stalking” me. I knew immediately, that no one tries to play down something unless they have something to hide. As I mentioned in How to Attract a Woman From A Lesbian’s Point of View people often try to portray the opposite of what is really going on. If someone is saying they checked out your MySpace and they are making it seem like they spent a lot of time in doing so, in my experience they seem like someone who wants to look like they really care and pay attention to detail, because it seems humble and people like humble. But they are often far from humble. If the person is trying to make it seem like they “accidentally” came across your page and over explaining how it was an accident with lame excuses such as, “Your on my Friend’s Top 10 and the picture just really stands out because I’m a….” or “I’m always bored and looking at random people’s profiles blah blah etc.” They were probably looking at your page and reading up info on you because they think you are interesting, or hot.

Take a look at the signs. Does she keep looking at you? Is she really nervous? Always trying to get your attention? Or is it a pipe dream? Is she immediately looking away in disinterest? Overall unimpressed? Yawning? Bored? Be honest with yourself.

If you aren’t very clear on the issue, just talk to her a bit on a casual note. One on one interaction allows a better read for body language. She might be nervous around her straight friends, but I’ll touch on that later.

#2) No Pressure Baby Girl

Looking back on the situation I have to say in my early twenties I was an arrogant mass of waste and small talk. I was also shamelessly aggressive and unwilling to repent and see the error in my ways. The same way that we find aggressive men to be irritating is the same way any woman we approach aggressively who is not interested (or maybe was before we opened our mouth) sees us.

I had a call-back for a Mc Donald’s commercial, so a friend of mine and I had to leave and then come back to Big Bear. Before I left Nathalie made me promise I would come back. Mind you I was the only Lesbian in sight, everyone in the cabin was a straight man besides two other girls. When I got back I could see the men circling her, fighting for her attention and failing miserably. So I asked her to come to the hot tub with me, and that is where we had our first kiss.

I thought that because I could see all of this I was some kind of Don Juan who had saved this poor girl from the Testosterone Fest that was the Living Room of the cabin. I didn’t take anything into account besides my own ego and perspective. Poor Nathalie.

Remember, you may know she is a Lesbian, especially if she reminds you of yourself in certain B.C. (Before Closet) situations. But she may not know yet. And just because she is attracted to you doesn’t make her a Lesbian. It just means she is attracted to you. There is no 100% way to figure out if she is full on Lesbian until you get to know her for a while. We can’t “Turn her” Gay just as much as people who do their best to embarrass Christians can’t “turn us” straight. You can’t have one side of the coin without the other.

Unfortunately I had to learn this the hard way. I was very pushy with Nathalie. I had no compassion for her situation, and was not in the least bit patient. And of course the more I tried to prove she was a Lesbian the harder she fought back and sunk even deeper into the closet. Instead of just appreciating the experience I was so fast to put titles on it in a sad attempt to tickle my ego’s fancy. It did nothing but confuse her, and make her very sad and stressed.

Remember, if she is a Lesbian and you are her first she is going to recall this experience FOREVER. So don’t be a dick…)lol, I guess that is a pun.) In fact, don’t even bring up the The L Word, (unless she has Showtime and you don’t of course.) DON’T TITLE ANYTHING! YOU’LL RUIN IT! She has a family, a string of straight friends and a whole lot to think about. Try to remember when you came out, did it happen overnight? Probably not. In this situation it’s pretty easy to put yourself in her place so there is no excuse to act the way I did. The best you can do is offer her a peaceful retreat from the eyes of judgment she may receive in the “Coming Out” process. She might not even come out of the closet just yet. Don’t expect anything from her. Just be good to one another and see what comes of it.

#3) The Straights Haven’t A Clue

I’m not really a “Turn the Other Cheek” kind of girl as you can maybe tell. But here goes…Turn the Other Cheek. There. I said it. You are going to have to excuse the behavior of certain straight friends and other folk because they aren’t gay and have no idea what is going on. Usually ignorance is bliss, but in the case of Straight Friends in situations like these, Ignorance is nothing but pure, unadulterated, no additives…Drama.

Allow me to explain myself. EVERYONE was against Nathalie and I hooking up. They were trying to hook her up with another guy. I was so hurt, I couldn’t believe that friends of mine couldn’t see that we had an obvious connection. It was like they were going behind my back and trying to sabotage it. It really messed with my head for a while. Being the drama Queen I was I took it to all kinds of levels. Finally I asked the closest friend to me in the situation what was up and I realized that she was beyond clueless. She literally had no idea what was going on and really and truthfully thought Nathalie was straight.

They haven’t gone through anything like this personally before so be patient. You can try explaining it the best way you can but don’t take it personally when they don’t immediately want to see their mall buddy or wing woman hop over the fence. For all you know they may fear that their friend will dump them for other more Lesbian friends which in a lot of cases happens, so don’t judge them. Let them process everything the way they need to.

I’m not saying to take any disrespect from anyone, but your focus should be a little less on people’s reactions and a little more on your latest attraction.

#4) Don’t Let The Haters Bring You Down

In my case I had a lot of men who were very competitive with me and jealous of the situation. Mind you I had stepped back months prior when a woman showed one of the guy’s who was giving me a hard time at Big Bear some attention. But Nathalie was and still is GORGEOUS. And our little fling sent many a man’s ego packing. I’m still to this day surprised at how much power they gave me. In all seriousness it really was just luck. They made it seem like a competition that I had won. But women aren’t objects to be won. It was Nathalie’s choice in the end and by some random stroke of fate she had chosen me. It could have been anybody.

In particular one guy was furious. He is very sexist, can’t stand Lesbians because they represent everything he is so afraid of- A world that has nothing to do with him. He tried everything in his power to pull Nathalie and I apart. I mean, no one’s perfect but honestly it was like it was his goal to fail in life as much as humanly possible. Ugh, but I was young and naive. And shouldn’t have even been a friend of a friend of his. There is no excuse to be around negative energy.

So yes, you are going to have some haters. People who are confused, intimidated, feel challenged or defeated. I find it funny that most haters try to make the most foreign situations all about them. No one of importance ever cares and it’s just embarrassing for them. You shouldn’t even be associated or around people like that. Failure and negativity are as contagious as Success and Positivity. So put yourself around the latter. Besides, the situation is out of everyone’s control. She’s a Lesbian and the quicker you make the situation more about you and her and less about everyone else the better off you two will be in the long run…and the short run for that matter.

#5) Forget Your Age, Act Your Bra Size

Notice how no matter what your bra size is at least in the 30s? You need to be mature about this. No matter what happens between you two don’t burn bridges. I went a long time not talking to Nathalie for the stupidest reasons all surrounding my ego and my pride. The lack of communication and how much we let everyone else’s opinion get to us was a real shame. Especially on my part because I was older and had been through similar situations I obviously didn’t learn from.

It is very likely that the new Lesbian you are dating will go back into the closet for a little while and take some time to really assess what happened. I’m not saying to expect the relationship to go south. Just because we don’t get what we want when we want it in life doesn’t mean anything went wrong. It just means reality has its own agenda and often it is much different and more amazing than ours. Be patient, and understanding and if it ends, be as good a friend as you can be. At a time like this she really does need someone she can talk to that is not going to judge her or try to think for her.

So cheers and good luck! I hope you do much better than I did.

Nathalie and I are both very good friends now. We both ended up in the fine city of San Francisco. She came out of the closet 5 months ago and is now 21 years old. I met her when she was 18 and I was 22. We were able to work out our differences and stay in one another’s lives. I actually hung out with her last night which inspired this blog to begin with.

This one is dedicated to you “Miss Nathalie.”

Love, Cha Chi

LALS= Los Angeles Lesbian Slang (It may not derive from Los Angeles, but that is where I picked it up.)

SFPC= San Francisco Certified Politically Correct Terminology

J.EAST= New Jersey/East Coast Lingo

Chantelle=something I pulled out of my very supple ass

Androgyny- n. The condition of having both masculine and feminine characteristics, as in appearance, attitude, or behavior. (dictionary.com)

Bottom- n. An individual who only enjoys being penetrated whether it be mentally or sexually. (LALS) *also referred to as a “power bottom” or a “submissive”

Call Back-n. I’m referring to auditioning in the acting world. I auditioned for commercials, movies and episodics back in my Los Angeles days. A call back is when they like you at an audition and they call you and a few others they liked (often more than less) to re-audition you or show you to the client, producers, director and such to make a final decision.

Dominant, A- n. The aggressor in the relationship. They often enjoy penetrating whether it be mentally, physically or sexually. One can be a dominant in all aspects of the relationship, or dominant in certain aspects of the relationship and submissive in others. ie: He makes all the decisions in the relationship. But in the bedroom she runs the show.

Dominant Submissive Hybrid- n. An individual who enjoys both penetrating and being penetrated with the slight or significant preference of penetrating. (Chantelle) *also referred to as a “versatile top”

Power Bottom- n. An individual who only enjoys being penetrated whether it be mentally or sexually. (LALS) *also referred to as a “bottom” or a “submissive”

Power Top- n. An individual who only enjoys penetrating whether it be mentally or sexually. (LALS) * also referred to as a “top” or a “dominant”

Submissive, A- n. The one who allows themselves to be dominated, claimed or controlled in a relationship. They often enjoy being penetrated whether it be mentally, physically or sexually. One can be a submissive in all aspects of the relationship, or dominant in certain aspects of the relationship and submissive in others. ie: She makes all the decisions in the relationship. But in the bedroom he runs the show.

Submissive Dominant Hybrid- n. An individual who enjoys both penetrating and being penetrated with the slight or significant preference of being penetrated. (Chantelle) *also referred to as a “versatile bottom”

Top- n. n. An individual who only enjoys penetrating whether it be mentally or sexually. (LALS) * also referred to as a “power top” or a “dominant”

Versatile Bottom- n. An individual who enjoys both penetrating and being penetrated with the slight or significant preference of being penetrated. (LALS) *also referred to as a “submissive dominant hybrid”

Versatile Top- n. An individual who enjoys both penetrating and being penetrated with the slight or significant preference of penetrating. (LALS) *also referred to as a “dominant submissive hybrid”

I often hear warnings about drunk driving around the Holidays. Since you have probably already heard those warnings and this is a relationship/sex oriented rant record, I feel it is my duty to warn you about something most people forget to mention.

Do Not Go Down While Driving!

It’s a mistake. You need to be alive to enjoy good lovin’. So please, park the car and THEN go for the gold.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU!

xo Chantelle

Yes, this season is about giving…in theory. But why not be the best gift-giver you can possibly be? More importantly, why not shamelessly and effortlessly defeat your competition?

THE CAST

The GIFT GIVER: Played by none other than YOU

The GIFTEE (otherwise known as the Gift Receiver): Lover, person you want to be your lover, co-worker, family member, fiancé, husband, wife, person you know is going to get you a gift and you will feel like crap if you don’t give him one

The GIFTROBBERS (people who want to outdo you in the gift-giving process.): These people may include jealous family members, wannabe lovers of the GIFTEE, passive aggressive relatives, a person who likes to throw money around to hide his glaring flaws, etc.

Step #1: SIZE UP YOUR GIFTEE

What makes them tick? Have they been dropping hints all along? If you are having problems with this step, think back to a recent conversation you had with the giftee. Pick a gift that shows them you were actually listening to them while they were talking. This gift can be an inside joke as well. Survey says: People like it when you listen to them.

Step #2: SIZE UP YOUR WALLET

How much can you spend? Don’t go overboard here. Try not to come off as too cheap, either. A common mistake people make when shopping for their loved ones is that they try to cover up for lack of creativity and originality by dropping a few extra bucks. You are better than this. Come up with a reasonable budget and be creative.

Step #3: DON’T BE OBVIOUS

You work at a bookstore? Getting your girlfriend a book from the bookstore you work at and probably get a discount at is a TERRIBLE IDEA. She will know you couldn’t come up with anything else and that you were cheap enough to want an extra 30% off. CHEAP and BORING is not a combo that is going to put you in the gift-giving winner’s circle.

Step #4: PRESENTATION IS EVERYTHING

Your girlfriend is a fashion freak? She’s been dropping hints she wants new threads this holiday season? Sweet. Clothing is an awesome holiday gift idea. It can also be a boring holiday gift Idea if you are not careful. One way to spice this gift idea up is what I like to call “the layer.” Get several items of clothing and layer them. Wrap them that way. For example: You have a t-shirt, a hoodie, and a messenger bag. Put the t-shirt in the hoodie, fold them and place them inside the messenger bag. Hide stickers and other fun items in the compartments of the messenger bag. Wrap the gift nicely and neatly, or fork out the extra bucks to get it gift-wrapped. When the giftee opens the gift, he continues to find one surprise after the other. It’s like a gift-wrapped treasure hunt.

Step #5: ACCEPT YOUR VICTORY WITH CLASS

No need to brag; he is happy with you. You have won. They keep smiling at you and playing with their new gift. Everyone else knows they have lost. Be graceful in your victory. After all, are you surprised? You knew you would win anyway.
Thinking of giving clothing as a gift? Make sure your apparel is fresh, on point and original. Here are some t-shirt shops you want to check out:

AlternativeApparel (blank tees that fit like a glove)
WearMeNaked.etsy (hand painted, artistic tees)
Villains, San Francisco (Haight St.)
Visit WearMeNaked. We specialize in hand painted, hand crafted t-shirts. Besides giving your shirts a good hand job, we’re about as hand painted and couture as one little t-shirt can stand to be.

Remember that little thing called Androgyny that had me all confused that fateful fall in 2002? (Androgyny: My Vagina Is So Confused) Several years later Androgyny got the best of me yet again. He was nineteen, and looked liked Rosamund Pike would if she were mixed. (From now on I will refer to shim as “Lee”) We started hanging out and, well as you can guess there were some PROS and some CONS. And as you have probably further guessed by the title of this disaster waiting to happen, I’m going to list them.

PRO #1: HE’S NOT JADED JUST YET

Lee had his whole life ahead of him, he was talented, brilliant and refreshing to be around. I had just gotten out of a relationship where we constantly argued. With Lee there was no pressure. It was easy and fun.

Over time we allow ourselves to get so bitter about the most trivial things. Love doesn’t work out for us a few times, so we use it as an excuse to close ourselves off and treat everyone we date like ass. Our career isn’t going the way we planned, we sell out and scoff at anyone who even dreams of having dreams. When Lee spoke of his hopes and dreams his eyes would light up like it was Christmas morning and he could finally open his presents. At the time I was really distraught about my clothing company, WEAR ME NAKED. I had no idea what the next step was and I was losing faith. Being around someone as positive as he was gave me a lot of inspiration. The way he made things so simple was amazing. At the time I was doing client work, I didn’t realize how much I truly loathed client work until Lee very casually pointed it out. He changed the direction of my company.

I learned to let a lot of my grudges go and just keep on trucking without any regrets. That is actually one of my favorite lessons life has had to offer thus far.

CON #1: THEY ARE ALWAYS HUNGRY AND HAVE DISGUSTING AMOUNTS OF ENERGY

I love energetic people. I am not one of them though. I’m a very laid back person. My idea of exercise is walking to the post-office…and back! (1 mile) Lee’s idea of exercise was a 2 hour game of soccer, 4 forty-five minute sex sessions and a casual mountain climb. I could barely keep up. Not only did I feel like I was so much closer to death than he was, I felt out of shape. Then I realized it wasn’t just a feeling, I really was out of shape. So I decided to make myself feel better about it by eating some ice cream, only Lee took an entire carton to the face earlier. So I went for the Pirate’s Booty only Lee inhaled that the other night. He had eaten me out of house and home. I couldn’t even snack my misery away.

TIP: If you find yourself hungry, try to make it a point to eat at his place if you can. He won’t have any food of course so you’ll still be hungry but when you go home your food will still be in tact.

PRO #2: YOU WILL NEVER LOOK BETTER

Get ready to lose weight! He will devour all of your food so you will have no option but to dine on the remaining crumbs. On top of that in order to keep up with him you will have to up the physical fitness level just a bit which will be easy because as you’ll realize, his energy is contagious.

You will also find yourself competing with him. I often found that Lee looked better than me in my own clothes. It was inspiration to tone up a bit. I couldn’t stand for my guy to be prettier than me. I had no choice but to get off my bum and stay fit.

CON #2: GET READY TO CHANGE DIAPERS MOMMY!

I came back from the bathroom at my mother’s house to find Lee “making the bed.” In fact, what Lee was doing was sitting in the middle of the bed gently and patiently trying to iron the sheet flat underneath him. I’ll give it to him, he reached all the way around in a circle of failure determined to make that sheet flat, only one problem…he was sitting on it! To make matters worse amidst this colossal failure of a domestic deed he looked up at me and smiled proudly.

Wait I’m not finished, there’s more…

Lee also tried to wash the dishes by pouring detergent on each dish and brushing gently with his hands, he tried to wipe the dish counter by drowning it, he attempted to vacuum with a pressure cleaner, despite coming to my house all of the time he always walked the wrong way when we got off the bus. It was so ridiculous I figured he had to be doing it on purpose. When I realized he wasn’t, I found myself snooping through his wallet for his ID to make sure he wasn’t 12. Instead I found his fake ID. And that’s when it hit me…I was a pervert and I was going to hell. I couldn’t take it anymore, he was just so useless. But of course the Universe had to make me the butt of it’s sick joke one last time. I’ll call this time:

SHOWER TIME

What should have been a romantic shower turned into a Rubber Ducky, Mommy and Me, “How to take a shower properly” lesson. That’s right. Before that apparently Lee thought that the object of Shower Time was all about making sure the soap never touched your skin and gargling the water while jerking it a bit. I told him all about the stinky winky areas and all the other gross places he should rub a dub dub so he wasn’t so smelly welly. My dignity went right down the drain along with the shower water and my reason to ever look in the mirror again.

TIP: If your toy-friend is relatively clueless as to how to take care of himself. Be patient. It could be worse, you could be dating an older man. Try very hard not to be rude, but don’t find yourself doing everything for him either. Show him three times and then let him do it on his own. In Lee’s case he was beyond brilliant, but when it came to everyday simple tasks he just never cared. I was surprised how quickly he pulled it together. So don’t lose faith…yet.

PRO# 3: YOU’LL SET THE STANDARD FOREVER

Chances are he is not a washed up whore…yet. So, for the rest of his life, especially if you are his first love, he will compare the others to you. And the others will have you to thank for all those neat tricks you taught him in bed. You’ll be a legend! And he’ll never forget you. I know it’s selfish to want to be remembered forever, but it’s also kind of flattering, unless he has to start seeking therapy or something. But yeah, I’ll tell myself whatever I want to hear so I’m sure Lee is somewhere right now winking at the sky saying, “Thanks so much for Chantelle. She changed my life forever. I have her to thank for all of my greatest successes. I think I’ll send her a blank check!”

CON #3: THEY ARE USUALLY BROKE

Lee actually made more money than me which was a con of my very own. Because let me tell you, there is something about sitting at the bank while a nineteen year old gets thousands of dollars wired to his account that is very…how should I word this, depressing.

But from what I hear, most younger men are broke. I’m not sure forking out the extra bucks in this situation is worth it. Try to come up with fun events that don’t cost anything like having sex. You can also watch movies at your place (his place is probably a dump anyway and if it’s clean then he probably just hasn’t figured out he’s gay yet). Worse comes to worse just hang out with him every second Friday of the month because that’s when whatever grocery store, clothing store, cafe or gym will unleash his whopping $30 before taxes paycheck.

TIP: Try to be on your best behavior. Like I mentioned before, Lee taught me a lot of valuable life lessons. Just because we are older doesn’t mean we know everything. I promise you you will have a lot of fun and it’ll be refreshing. You’ll always feel attractive because he will always want to sleep with you. So try it out and see what happens, if you find you are hungry, spending all your money, or tired of playing mommy remember it could be worse…you could be dating an older man.

But don’t fret my desperate darling! Since you will be alone tonight you can catch up on some reading. I recommend you check out my article entitled “How to Attract a Woman From a Lesbian’s Point of View.” I have a few others with some graphic descriptions you can jerk off to as well;)

It all began when I found my way out of the closet one day early that Spring. I threw a party, several actually…more than several. Everything seemed perfect. My new life was amazing until one day while driving by Burbank High School fate decided to mess with my head a little. I took a look out of my car window and smiled. She was beautiful, short brown hair, some sort of band t-shirt, tight tight jeans, converse or some other canvas shoe, a facial piercing or two and a tattoo. She looked like all the other girls I slept with during the summer. Only, summer was over, and she was wearing a back pack and hanging out near a High School. The tattoo got her grounded by her parents and either that was one hell of a clitoris or the Lesbian beauty I imagined wasn’t a Lesbian after all. It was a 16-year old boy on his way home from school. My dreams were shattered. So I went home. Kid you not, I hopped in the shower in an attempt to wash the situation away. I was also probably dirty but the added filth of fantasizing about an under aged kid was hard to wash away.

CAN YOU TELL WHICH ONE IS THE TEENAGE BOY AND WHICH ONE IS THE LESBIAN?

You have to understand that to a Lesbian the idea of a big hairy, sweaty, breathy, pectoral having, testosterone dripping male does not only have a mysterious drying affect, but it’s also kind of hilarious. So without a doubt, no questions asked we flee from that image with glee proudly putting a big check next to the box that reads LESBIAN. And then we throw parties over the weekend, the ones that guys fantasize about. I won’t lie we really do have parties like that. They end in orgies sometimes as well. And when you wake up from a summer of parties like that only to drive down the street later that week and find yourself attracted to a member of the male species, it’s a confusing nightmare. Every time I passed by the closet I could hear the hangers jangling, they were laughing at me beckoning me to slither back in.

Let me be the one to tell you that if a new Lesbian decides to date a man all hell breaks loose. She can’t steer herself away from the clubs, and circle of friends she has because her life evolves around it. Not because it has to, but because it’s just easier that way. I mean we are constantly surrounded by beautiful women and for a Lesbian new to the scene it’s like being a kid in a candy store. You don’t walk away from quality vagina to go hang out with some dude. It’s just common sense right? Because if you do you will lose your friends. You will have to walk by the clubs you once partied at with your head down quickly letting go of your new boyfriend’s hand in an attempt to look like you had an itch on your head or something else you needed your hand for. But that itch is deep and it just won’t scratch away.

At this point I decided to call a board meeting. A few members included my vagina, my libido, my self-respect and my dignity. And what they had to say was:

Vagina: “I like penetration and he looks like a girl. Maybe in the dark he will have some flesh around his nipples you can squeeze together and make boobies out of. ”

Libido: “I don’t care, summer is over, take what you can get!”

Dignity: “I left a long time ago. Don’t quote me.”

Self-Respect: “Are you honestly going to let your so called friends dictate who you’ll be sleeping with? What if there is a real connetion? Your real friends will stand by you no matter what you decide. Don’t be such a pussy!”

My self-respect had a valid point. Why was I placing so much stake in what these women had to say? Why did I care so much? Was I really that much of a pussy?

The answer was, YES. We are what we eat after all and during the Fall of ‘02 I put the Androgynous wonder I saw outside of Burbank Highschool out of my mind and went to a few more parties. Maybe one day I would grow a spine and have what it took to do some experimenting but I wasn’t ready. My friends were too hot. I taped the closet door shut and breathed a sigh of relief. Back to being a Lesbian again! Take that Androgyny!

…I also didn’t want to end up in jail for statutory rape, so maybe my brain was somewhere present at that board meeting as well.

I’m just going to stick to a few of my all time favorite misconceptions about Lesbians, the ones that make me double over with laughter and leave me wanting more. In the top four in no specific order:

• HOT LESBIANS ARE REALLY STRAIGHT/BISEXUAL
• AWW SWEETIE, SOME MAN MUST HAVE REALLY DONE YOU WRONG
• WAIT A MINUTE, YOU’RE GAY AND YOU KNOW WHAT A BIBLE IS?
• THE ENTIRE DEBATE ON NATURE VS. NURTURE

HOT LESBIANS ARE REALLY STRAIGHT/BISEXUAL

This misconception is an all time classic. It usually derives from men who know little to nothing about women and sleep with little to zero women. But they’ve done their research alright. LUSTEEELESBIANS.COM had much to say/show on the topic. Two straight girls with acrylic nails ( Yeah….ouch!) who were paid to cautiously paw at one another are NOT even scraping the surface of lesbianism. Lesbians (operative word) like women (operative word) Hot lesbians like hot women (or women they consider to be hot) The last things on two hot lesbians minds while they are having sex are pectorals, balls and other silly looking anatomy. The last thing on any man’s mind who gets aroused by watching two women who want absolutely nothing to do with him is self-esteem.

Yes sometimes we use dildos, and I will not speak for every lesbian, but most of the lesbians I know don’t use them often and the best part about a dildo/strap-on is that it comes off only to reveal a nice, lovely…sample of preferred anatomy. It’s funny how in my lifetime the men I have met who aren’t comfortable with lesbians or try to objectify them, seriously have issues with women…wanting to sleep with them. But the ones who are cool with lesbians or indifferent seem to be quite happy in the lady department. It’s a security thing. Of course if you don’t know how to please a woman then you would definitely be intimidated by lesbians, and try to take away the power you give them in your mind by calling them straight or bisexual once again bringing it back to men in a situation where that is not realistic or desired. Not to say that all lesbians know how to please a woman. There is also another mild misconception that a woman knows how to please a woman because she is a woman. I see the logic there but you would be surprised.

I also want to mention the lesbians I know who freak out when their girlfriends say a guy is cute or hangs out with a guy. Again, they are intimidated by men and it comes from a strong place of insecurity, which is not attractive.

AWW SWEETIE, SOME MAN MUST HAVE REALLY DONE YOU WRONG

This one is golden. Often times I want to get an ex-boyfriend of mine on the phone with people who say this to me and count how many seconds it would take with them hearing the horror stories about them dating me to hit the floor in the fetal position shaking like a leaf.

Folks, no. If you meet a girl who is blaming a man who hurt her emotionally in the past for being gay tell her to put the finger she is pointing to better use. There are women who have put up with terrible abuse from men and they are not out chasing the ladies. In my opinion, a woman who says that is a) straight and bitter about it or b) not okay with being gay so she feels the need to blame it on someone else like its a problem she has to come up with an excuse for. The truth is that yes some men in my past have hurt me. And I unfortunately hurt some men emotionally while I was trying to find myself. That’s the case for everyone, every sex and every sexuality when it comes to dating. But when do you ever really see someone with their head in their hands weeping over how many people they screwed over? We would rather play the victim and reap the benefits of course.

WAIT A MINUTE… YOU’RE GAY AND YOU KNOW WHAT A BIBLE IS?

When I was 18 actually I became a born again Christian just to see what it was all about. It wasn’t for me but in the process I was exposed to the BIBLE on one or more occasion. Just because a few people have an interesting interpretation of the BIBLE doesn’t mean that they are going to scare me, or any other homosexual away from it. I don’t take people like that seriously but then again I highly doubt they take themselves seriously. They clearly haven’t done their research and I can’t say I’m moved much by anyone who has a passion for inaccuracy. I honestly believe that if they offered a course called BIBLE 101 in college, that course would cover the 10 commandments one of which being “Thou shalt not judge.”

I’m not Christian and I won’t claim to know exactly what being one entails but I do enjoy hearing the perspective of a genuinely devoted Christian. A straight Christian who opens their mouth to say anything judgmental about gays doesn’t take the BIBLE seriously, doesn’t take themselves seriously, and doesn’t take GOD seriously and definitely doesn’t affect my opinion on such matters. I imagine there are quite a few people who feel that way. SO yes, we know what a BIBLE is and no we still don’t respect fake Christians.

THE ENTIRE DEBATE ON NATURE Vs. NURTURE

The truth is it depends on the individual, instead of classifying I challenge these folks to hear different people’s individual stories. I’ll start with mine. When I was in my early teens I liked both men and women. In society if you are a woman and you like to have sex especially if you are raised in a small town, which I was (a small town in JERSEY) you are ridiculed for it, and insulted for it. I liked having sex, and was very open minded and a naturally sexual human being. I realized that men who slept with a lot of women were praised for it. I equated sleeping with women as powerful and sleeping with men as a sign of weakness or “slutty” behavior. Over the years, it became impossible for me to enjoy sex with men, it physically made me sick, and depressed. Eventually my attraction to men just stopped completely. I’m not blaming anyone, or society, this was just my path. And I wouldn’t blame anyone for loving women. They are just loveable and my sexuality is one of my favorite things about myself. I am open minded to anything that may come my way in the future and if there is a guy out there who can keep me interested then cool. But for now I have to be honest about where I stand.

So it was nature and nurture. I remember at a young age having passionate romantic fantasies about women, taking them away to an island and loving one another. It was never that romantic with men. But I adore the person I have become, and I love women with everything I have, sometimes a little too much.

So go ask other folks their story. Maybe you can ask some people why they are heterosexual as well. The stories get interesting, and it’s fun to tell yours as well.

SIDEBAR:

Women who have had “a lot” of male sexual partners and whom are having healthy, safe and fun sex…GOOD FOR YOU! I hope in telling my story I do not lead anyone to believe that I view a sexual woman as weak, or “slutty.” In fact, I believe quite the opposite. I see them as free, empowered and very, very sexy. In my experience most attractive women and women who have options often have had more than the average number of sexual partners because they have the choice to. I have not yet had the opportunity to meet a sexually inexperienced woman in her mid twenties to late thirties who was not either, insecure about her looks and her body, religious, or unfortunately abused in some way. All you beautiful women out there having wonderful, safe sex whether it be monogamous sex, poly-amorous sex or whatever gets you going, keep up the good work.

I also want to say that I don’t believe that all men prefer women who haven’t had a lot of sex. I’m sure there are some who do and some who don’t, depends on the guy. I know I love sexually experienced women I usually hit it off with them the most. But everyone has their own preferences.

I think the women who call other women sluts and whores and judge them for how many sexual partners they have had are often jealous, less attractive and should not be assaulting other women in such a misogynistic manner.

I think the men who call women sluts and judge women for how many sexual partners they have lack in the confidence department. If I sucked in bed I wouldn’t want people who were experienced either, because they would have others to compare me to and they would know for sure I sucked in bed. I also see a theme of this in male pedophiles. They like things that would make a woman seem like a young girl such as completely shaved pubic areas, perky breasts, sexual inexperience, etc.

If you are seriously worried about STD’s then my advice is to get tested together. I don’t really see a need to sit down and number all the sexual partners you have had. I don’t think this is a reliable way to get information about someone’s sexual history. They may be inaccurate in recalling their past or worse case scenario just dishonest. When it comes to your health you should be 100% sure.

(from LETTERS TO A LESBIAN AND A LUTHERAN written by Chantelle Tibbs and Christine Whitmarsh)