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How to Attract the Perfect Mate (Introduction)

The Secret to Avoiding Time, Energy and Sanity Wasted on Miscommunications, 2 Week Flings That Go Nowhere and Bad Sex. It’s Time To Start Fishing in the Right Pond, Lovelies!

*I’ve got a special kind of language going on here. If you run into any terms that you don’t quite comprehend, check out The Girl To Go To Glossary. If you find you are still confused feel free to comment. I’ll answer your question.

Let’s get narrative shall we? Sheila is hot. I mean she really is something else. Most girls don’t quite achieve this kind of beauty. She secretly loves the attention she gets from guys. But often they are intimidated by her looks. I mean short brown hair, eyes like fire, legs like you’ve never seen. It could make a guy a bit nervous. She would really like for a guy to come up to her and ask her on a date. She hasn’t dated anyone in quite sometime now and she feels disconnected from the world. She never hits on guys, it’s not really her style but desperate times call for desperate measures. That’s where Geno comes in.

They met at a bar. He was tall, built and even had a scruffy little beard the kind Sheila just loves. He is a friend of a friend’s. Very funny guy indeed. He is making everyone laugh and everyone seems to love him. So she goes for it.

Geno is flattered. Sheila is gorgeous. When she approaches him he can see his two friends in the corner out of the corner of his eye edging him on. So of course he says YES. He loves it when women come up to him and ask him out. Why do guys have to do all the work? And she seems very confident, sure of herself. That is very sexy. So it’s a date. Wednesday night they are going to have dinner and then see a movie.

Wednesday rolls around. Dinner is awkward. Geno is nervous and talking a lot more than most guys do on first dates. Sheila knows his whole life story before they step into the movie and she couldn’t get in a word edge wise. He also lacks the confidence he had in front of his friends. But…he is really cute.

Geno is surprised Sheila isn’t asking any questions, she’s just waiting for her turn to talk. She doesn’t seem as confident as she did at the bar the other night. The shirt she chose to wear was rather homely and she’s pretty giddy which makes her seem…younger. But she is really cute.

After the movie they both wait for the other one to invite them over. Geno drove so when he pulls up to her house there is an awkward moment. Sheila asks him in for coffee. He complies. It isn’t long before they start kissing. Geno makes his way to the bathroom to make sure his breath is on point. When he comes out Sheila is lying on the couch like a doll. She has lacy underwear on. He should have a boner. But he doesn’t. He goes over to her anyway. She pulls him on top of her and starts kissing him. Geno takes the lead, he doesn’t really have a choice. It takes him longer than both of them had hoped for to actually get it up. When he does he hurries through the sex crossing his fingers that he won’t lose his hard on. It’s sloppy, bad and boring. They are both bored. They try to be polite. Geno makes up an excuse as to why he has to leave. Sheila feels used. She lets him leave in silence.

“All men are the same,” she thinks to herself after crying for a few hours. She calls a friend over to watch movies and comfort her.

“What is wrong with me?” Geno thinks as he drives home. he spends the night alone and depressed. He can’t imagine she would ever want to talk to him again after his poor performance.

The sad truth is this happens all too often. No, Geno wasn’t using Sheila. He really wanted to like her and is very insecure about his performance. He thinks she would never speak to him after the terrible sex they had. But Sheila thinks she just got humped and dumped. They are both taking everything rather personally and most likely won’t ever get the chance to talk it over and find out what really happened. This in turn will cause them to shut out for a while and become more jaded towards the next person they date. No one will ever figure out that they are just two lonely bottoms in need of a top. What I mean to say is both Geno and Sheila are Submissive.

Notice how Sheila NEVER goes up to guys. Only when the thought of being lonely hits her does she step out of her comfort zone and ask Geno out. And notice how Geno loves the idea of a girl coming up to him and asking him on a date. In a bar setting especially where alcohol is involved they both see what they want to see. Geno appears to be a tall man with a beard who is built. And Sheila seems to be a very strong, aggressive female. His buddies are also watching him and he doesn’t want to look “gay” or like a “pussy.” But at dinner no one leads the conversation. So they both end up blabbing to fill in dead silence. Normally a more dominant person leads the conversation by asking a lot of questions. They do a lot of listening and the conversation goes in the direction they want it to go (like many other things.) And Sheila wore an outfit making her look innocent. During dinner they both knew deep down that this wasn’t right for them but they were both a good blend of lonely and horny so they went for it anyway.Geno wanted Sheila to spank him a bit, pinch his nipples and jump on him, make out with him and then ride him. Sheila wanted Geno to conquest her but instead they both sat through bad sex leaving them feeling probably more lonely than they started off.

OK. Here’s the fun part. Before you go out fishing in the wrong pond it’s time to Self Assess. I’m always going to bring it back to you. A lot of mistakes can be avoided by doing so. It’s a hard thing to do. Especially in arguments. It’s so hard after screaming at someone to say, “Wait what did I do wrong?” But in doing so it’s less likely you find yourself in that particular sort of screaming match in the future. And here’s the deal, you may not think it true but it is more comfortable to sit back and say, “All men are dogs.” Than to actually have to face yourself and your needs and wants. Especially in a society that says that Submissive women are weak, victims who let men use them.

GOLDEN RULE We will not judge ourselves for what makes us come harder

Part of Self Assessing is letting the judgement go completely.And I mean it. To my Hetero Girls out there, I’m so serious. This is coming from a Feminist Lesbian. Try to keep politics out of the bedroom unless of course…it makes you come harder! if you like a man to push you around and call you a dirty little slut, if that makes you have squirting orgasms than by all means work it. Submissive men, let the Ladyless Homies go. I personally think that submissive men are very sexy. I’m not the only one trust me. So go after what you really want.

Now I like to think of my titles as more of categories. But it’s good to push the boundaries a bit, test the waters and see what you like. If you aren’t sure then you’ve got some more sex ahead of you that will help make things a little clearer. This is not just about sex. In reality Sheila and Geno are probably both Versatile Bottoms, which I will explain later. And maybe Sheila is a real Dominant Person out of the bedroom but behind closed doors she’s a cuddly kitten…who loves it rough.You will most likely find yourself saying. “Hey I’m a Versatile Bottom in the bedroom, a Power Top with my friends, a Bottom in my relationships and a Versatile Top at work.” Feel free to assess many areas of your life. This is all about attracting the right kind of people and fishing in the right pond for many areas and aspects of your life. So feel free to sift through these categories and assess away. And also keep an eye out for my upcoming articles on What to do Once You Have Assessed. And how to go about attracting each and everyone of these categories.

Bottom. A.K.A. Power Bottom. A.K.A. Submissive

When people hear the word “submissive” they see a secretary on her hands and knees with an apple in her mouth crawling towards her master. In extreme cases that may be the case but in most cases it’s not. In fact in most cases it’s hard to find people that are 100% submissive or dominant.A submissive is a person much like Geno or Sheila who enjoys being dominated. This can mean many things but they more than often like their partner to take the lead sexually, make decisions etc.These individuals often enjoy being penetrated. If they do penetrate it’s usually when they are told to. Often times people view the person being penetrated as the “weaker” person. Penetration is not a weapon when used properly. And there is much power in being penetrated as well. A good example is the image of a penis before penetrating a vagina. It is bigger and harder but once a vagina gets a hold of it it becomes flaccid and smaller. In essence the vagina “chews it up and spits it out.” That’s another way of looking at vaginal penetration. Bottoms are more comfortable and open to being vulnerable which makes them very strong, and very well connected people. You’ll know if you are a good bottom because you have what it takes to make people want to pounce on you and take control. You’ll know a good bottom when you want to pounce on them too. They are cute, subtly sexy and often times excellent cuddlers. And they know how to keep their Dominant Partners in check by letting them they run the show in certain areas.

Perfect matches: Tops, Versatile Tops

Best option for an open minded, self educational, protected one night stand: Versatile Top

Relationship Poison: Other Bottoms/Submissives

Top. A.K.A. Power Top. A.K.A. Dominant

Again, this is not some person with a mask on and a leather belt chasing you down the street in an attempt to whip you into submission. This is just a person who is more than often comfortable with running the show.Dominant people take great pleasure in paving the path ahead of them and watching others follow. They are aroused by partners who listen and take orders well. They are also flattered by the trust that their partners instill in them to make most of the decisions.Dominants like to “check” their partners often. Which means they like to keep their partner in check by making outlandish demands sometimes or punishing them in one way or another (maybe even just the cold shoulder) when their partner fails to comply.They often enjoy penetrating. And if they are being penetrated they may be specific about how they want it to be done. A good dominant knows how to get inside the head of the person they are dominating. You’ll know you’re being dominated when you find yourself doing little things just to please the person or gain their approval. You’ll also know because most likely you are getting pushed around a bit in the bedroom and loving it. You may even feel out of control, that’s because you are.

Perfect matches: Bottoms, Versatile Bottoms

Best option for an open minded, self educational, protected one night stand: Versatile Top

Relationship Poison: Other Dominants/Tops

Versatile Bottom. A.K.A. Submissive Dominant Hybrid

Ooo. This one is a lot of fun. This is a person who is more Bottom Savvy but sometimes, and this could be a 70/30 split, a 50/50 split, or a 10/90 split, they enjoy being dominant.I like to call these Switches. And Versatile Bottoms just so happen to be my match for perfect lovers. There is nothing hotter than a girl who can lure you in and let you take control, then at the last minute switch it up and surprise you. Versatile Bottoms are often well aware of situations they should be in control of and situations where others should take the lead.

Perfect matches: Tops, Versatile Tops

Best option for an open minded, self educational, protected one night stand: Bottoms/Submissives

Relationship Poison: Bottoms/Submissives

Versatile Top. A.K.A. Dominant Submissive Hybrid

This is the category that best describes how I am in almost every area of my life except for when I’m learning something. Then I have no desire to run the show until I have enough knowledge to not embarrass myself. Versatile Tops are more comfortable and prone to situations where they are in control but every now and then they like to switch it up and let someone else hold the reigns. These individuals also tend to have an amazing grasp of when they should take the lead and when they should take a step back. They don’t come on as strong as Power Tops and may not even make their dominance obvious until later…when it counts. They often like to dominate first in the bedroom because that is what gets them off the most. They may not lead the entire conversation but they will most likely lead most of it. And their dominance can catch you by surprise sometimes.

Perfect matches: Bottoms, Versatile Bottoms

Best option for an open minded, self educational, protected one night stand: Top/Dominant

Relationship Poison: Dominants/Tops

Again, some of this may sound a little different. But the general concept should be clear. Cheers and Love,Chantelle

Posted by Chantelle Posted in: For Gay Men, For Lesbians, For Straight Men, For Straight Women 2 Comments » May 2008

How To Turn A Lesbian Out

5 Things I Would Have Done Differently With Miss Nathalie

Remember the day you realized you were a Lesbian? Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. I think it probably took me a series of days and several “moments of realization” to come to the point where I accepted my sexuality. I can’t pinpoint an exact moment.

Now let me ask you another question. Do you remember WHO made you realize (or at least start thinking) you were a Lesbian? I bet you remember her like it was yesterday. I don’t know about you but I can still smell her hair, see her freckles and here her charming and subtle voice whisper, “Girl I would totally hook up with you,” after stirring up trouble in a few Lesbian chat rooms. Out of all the wonderful word collaborations I have come across in my years I have to say that is still one of my favorite sentences.

Every Lesbian has been turned out in one way or another. Maybe it was your best friend in High-School, or a girl you never thought you would even have a conversation with, let alone your first orgasm. Or maybe it was an actress in a movie you still store underneath the secret tile in your bathroom. But what happens when WE become the lucky lady a future Lesbian will never forget? Being unforgettable is a rather weighty matter, don’t you agree? Are we prepared to be so memorable? I know for sure I wasn’t.

In fact, I wasn’t ready for Miss Nathalie at all. I met her right after I woke up from a nap. I wasn’t even going to go to Big Bear. I was flying out to New Jersey in a couple of days to visit a few friends and a fine young lady I met at a club months prior. Little did I know love was just a cold trip, a minor…major altercation with my ego, and a few shameless phone calls away.

#1) Is It Just Your Imagination?

Or maybe it’s the alcohol. Either way, assumption is one hell of a sinking ship. Sit back and view the situation as if you were an outsider, not one of the key players.

In my case I was a strapping, young predator. I had been single for 5 years and always on the prowl. I considered it my career to notice when women were attracted to me. (Too bad I didn’t focus some of that ambition on something that would have gotten me a life.) If I wasn’t on point then I didn’t get women, it was that simple. When I met Nathalie she mentioned she had seen my page on MySpace then tried to play it down like she wasn’t “stalking” me. I knew immediately, that no one tries to play down something unless they have something to hide. As I mentioned in How to Attract a Woman From A Lesbian’s Point of View people often try to portray the opposite of what is really going on. If someone is saying they checked out your MySpace and they are making it seem like they spent a lot of time in doing so, in my experience they seem like someone who wants to look like they really care and pay attention to detail, because it seems humble and people like humble. But they are often far from humble. If the person is trying to make it seem like they “accidentally” came across your page and over explaining how it was an accident with lame excuses such as, “Your on my Friend’s Top 10 and the picture just really stands out because I’m a….” or “I’m always bored and looking at random people’s profiles blah blah etc.” They were probably looking at your page and reading up info on you because they think you are interesting, or hot.

Take a look at the signs. Does she keep looking at you? Is she really nervous? Always trying to get your attention? Or is it a pipe dream? Is she immediately looking away in disinterest? Overall unimpressed? Yawning? Bored? Be honest with yourself.

If you aren’t very clear on the issue, just talk to her a bit on a casual note. One on one interaction allows a better read for body language. She might be nervous around her straight friends, but I’ll touch on that later.

#2) No Pressure Baby Girl

Looking back on the situation I have to say in my early twenties I was an arrogant mass of waste and small talk. I was also shamelessly aggressive and unwilling to repent and see the error in my ways. The same way that we find aggressive men to be irritating is the same way any woman we approach aggressively who is not interested (or maybe was before we opened our mouth) sees us.

I had a call-back for a Mc Donald’s commercial, so a friend of mine and I had to leave and then come back to Big Bear. Before I left Nathalie made me promise I would come back. Mind you I was the only Lesbian in sight, everyone in the cabin was a straight man besides two other girls. When I got back I could see the men circling her, fighting for her attention and failing miserably. So I asked her to come to the hot tub with me, and that is where we had our first kiss.

I thought that because I could see all of this I was some kind of Don Juan who had saved this poor girl from the Testosterone Fest that was the Living Room of the cabin. I didn’t take anything into account besides my own ego and perspective. Poor Nathalie.

Remember, you may know she is a Lesbian, especially if she reminds you of yourself in certain B.C. (Before Closet) situations. But she may not know yet. And just because she is attracted to you doesn’t make her a Lesbian. It just means she is attracted to you. There is no 100% way to figure out if she is full on Lesbian until you get to know her for a while. We can’t “Turn her” Gay just as much as people who do their best to embarrass Christians can’t “turn us” straight. You can’t have one side of the coin without the other.

Unfortunately I had to learn this the hard way. I was very pushy with Nathalie. I had no compassion for her situation, and was not in the least bit patient. And of course the more I tried to prove she was a Lesbian the harder she fought back and sunk even deeper into the closet. Instead of just appreciating the experience I was so fast to put titles on it in a sad attempt to tickle my ego’s fancy. It did nothing but confuse her, and make her very sad and stressed.

Remember, if she is a Lesbian and you are her first she is going to recall this experience FOREVER. So don’t be a dick…)lol, I guess that is a pun.) In fact, don’t even bring up the The L Word, (unless she has Showtime and you don’t of course.) DON’T TITLE ANYTHING! YOU’LL RUIN IT! She has a family, a string of straight friends and a whole lot to think about. Try to remember when you came out, did it happen overnight? Probably not. In this situation it’s pretty easy to put yourself in her place so there is no excuse to act the way I did. The best you can do is offer her a peaceful retreat from the eyes of judgment she may receive in the “Coming Out” process. She might not even come out of the closet just yet. Don’t expect anything from her. Just be good to one another and see what comes of it.

#3) The Straights Haven’t A Clue

I’m not really a “Turn the Other Cheek” kind of girl as you can maybe tell. But here goes…Turn the Other Cheek. There. I said it. You are going to have to excuse the behavior of certain straight friends and other folk because they aren’t gay and have no idea what is going on. Usually ignorance is bliss, but in the case of Straight Friends in situations like these, Ignorance is nothing but pure, unadulterated, no additives…Drama.

Allow me to explain myself. EVERYONE was against Nathalie and I hooking up. They were trying to hook her up with another guy. I was so hurt, I couldn’t believe that friends of mine couldn’t see that we had an obvious connection. It was like they were going behind my back and trying to sabotage it. It really messed with my head for a while. Being the drama Queen I was I took it to all kinds of levels. Finally I asked the closest friend to me in the situation what was up and I realized that she was beyond clueless. She literally had no idea what was going on and really and truthfully thought Nathalie was straight.

They haven’t gone through anything like this personally before so be patient. You can try explaining it the best way you can but don’t take it personally when they don’t immediately want to see their mall buddy or wing woman hop over the fence. For all you know they may fear that their friend will dump them for other more Lesbian friends which in a lot of cases happens, so don’t judge them. Let them process everything the way they need to.

I’m not saying to take any disrespect from anyone, but your focus should be a little less on people’s reactions and a little more on your latest attraction.

#4) Don’t Let The Haters Bring You Down

In my case I had a lot of men who were very competitive with me and jealous of the situation. Mind you I had stepped back months prior when a woman showed one of the guy’s who was giving me a hard time at Big Bear some attention. But Nathalie was and still is GORGEOUS. And our little fling sent many a man’s ego packing. I’m still to this day surprised at how much power they gave me. In all seriousness it really was just luck. They made it seem like a competition that I had won. But women aren’t objects to be won. It was Nathalie’s choice in the end and by some random stroke of fate she had chosen me. It could have been anybody.

In particular one guy was furious. He is very sexist, can’t stand Lesbians because they represent everything he is so afraid of- A world that has nothing to do with him. He tried everything in his power to pull Nathalie and I apart. I mean, no one’s perfect but honestly it was like it was his goal to fail in life as much as humanly possible. Ugh, but I was young and naive. And shouldn’t have even been a friend of a friend of his. There is no excuse to be around negative energy.

So yes, you are going to have some haters. People who are confused, intimidated, feel challenged or defeated. I find it funny that most haters try to make the most foreign situations all about them. No one of importance ever cares and it’s just embarrassing for them. You shouldn’t even be associated or around people like that. Failure and negativity are as contagious as Success and Positivity. So put yourself around the latter. Besides, the situation is out of everyone’s control. She’s a Lesbian and the quicker you make the situation more about you and her and less about everyone else the better off you two will be in the long run…and the short run for that matter.

#5) Forget Your Age, Act Your Bra Size

Notice how no matter what your bra size is at least in the 30s? You need to be mature about this. No matter what happens between you two don’t burn bridges. I went a long time not talking to Nathalie for the stupidest reasons all surrounding my ego and my pride. The lack of communication and how much we let everyone else’s opinion get to us was a real shame. Especially on my part because I was older and had been through similar situations I obviously didn’t learn from.

It is very likely that the new Lesbian you are dating will go back into the closet for a little while and take some time to really assess what happened. I’m not saying to expect the relationship to go south. Just because we don’t get what we want when we want it in life doesn’t mean anything went wrong. It just means reality has its own agenda and often it is much different and more amazing than ours. Be patient, and understanding and if it ends, be as good a friend as you can be. At a time like this she really does need someone she can talk to that is not going to judge her or try to think for her.

So cheers and good luck! I hope you do much better than I did.

Nathalie and I are both very good friends now. We both ended up in the fine city of San Francisco. She came out of the closet 5 months ago and is now 21 years old. I met her when she was 18 and I was 22. We were able to work out our differences and stay in one another’s lives. I actually hung out with her last night which inspired this blog to begin with.

This one is dedicated to you “Miss Nathalie.”

Love, Cha Chi

Posted by Chantelle Posted in: For Lesbians 5 Comments » February 2008

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