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3 Pros And Cons of Dating A Younger Guy

So, you’ve got your eyes on a younger lad? Of course you do. And who can blame you? Don’t tell the other lesbians but wanna hear a secret? You know that movie DISTURBIA? You know that part where Shia LeBouf sits on the couch and starts watching television before his mother comes home and almost catches him watching porn? You probably don’t because you didn’t rewind it as many times as I did. Even the girl who claims to be “into older men” is waiting for that guy she married to hurry up and die so she can spend his money on the son he had with that previous wife he probably should have stuck it out with. Face it, younger guys are just hot. Almost as hot as older women, tee hee.

Remember that little thing called Androgyny that had me all confused that fateful fall in 2002? (Androgyny: My Vagina Is So Confused) Several years later Androgyny got the best of me yet again. He was nineteen, and looked liked Rosamund Pike would if she were mixed. (From now on I will refer to shim as “Lee”) We started hanging out and, well as you can guess there were some PROS and some CONS. And as you have probably further guessed by the title of this disaster waiting to happen, I’m going to list them.

PRO #1: HE’S NOT JADED JUST YET

Lee had his whole life ahead of him, he was talented, brilliant and refreshing to be around. I had just gotten out of a relationship where we constantly argued. With Lee there was no pressure. It was easy and fun.

Over time we allow ourselves to get so bitter about the most trivial things. Love doesn’t work out for us a few times, so we use it as an excuse to close ourselves off and treat everyone we date like ass. Our career isn’t going the way we planned, we sell out and scoff at anyone who even dreams of having dreams. When Lee spoke of his hopes and dreams his eyes would light up like it was Christmas morning and he could finally open his presents. At the time I was really distraught about my clothing company, WEAR ME NAKED. I had no idea what the next step was and I was losing faith. Being around someone as positive as he was gave me a lot of inspiration. The way he made things so simple was amazing. At the time I was doing client work, I didn’t realize how much I truly loathed client work until Lee very casually pointed it out. He changed the direction of my company.

I learned to let a lot of my grudges go and just keep on trucking without any regrets. That is actually one of my favorite lessons life has had to offer thus far.

CON #1: THEY ARE ALWAYS HUNGRY AND HAVE DISGUSTING AMOUNTS OF ENERGY

I love energetic people. I am not one of them though. I’m a very laid back person. My idea of exercise is walking to the post-office…and back! (1 mile) Lee’s idea of exercise was a 2 hour game of soccer, 4 forty-five minute sex sessions and a casual mountain climb. I could barely keep up. Not only did I feel like I was so much closer to death than he was, I felt out of shape. Then I realized it wasn’t just a feeling, I really was out of shape. So I decided to make myself feel better about it by eating some ice cream, only Lee took an entire carton to the face earlier. So I went for the Pirate’s Booty only Lee inhaled that the other night. He had eaten me out of house and home. I couldn’t even snack my misery away.

TIP: If you find yourself hungry, try to make it a point to eat at his place if you can. He won’t have any food of course so you’ll still be hungry but when you go home your food will still be in tact.

PRO #2: YOU WILL NEVER LOOK BETTER

Get ready to lose weight! He will devour all of your food so you will have no option but to dine on the remaining crumbs. On top of that in order to keep up with him you will have to up the physical fitness level just a bit which will be easy because as you’ll realize, his energy is contagious.

You will also find yourself competing with him. I often found that Lee looked better than me in my own clothes. It was inspiration to tone up a bit. I couldn’t stand for my guy to be prettier than me. I had no choice but to get off my bum and stay fit.

CON #2: GET READY TO CHANGE DIAPERS MOMMY!

I came back from the bathroom at my mother’s house to find Lee “making the bed.” In fact, what Lee was doing was sitting in the middle of the bed gently and patiently trying to iron the sheet flat underneath him. I’ll give it to him, he reached all the way around in a circle of failure determined to make that sheet flat, only one problem…he was sitting on it! To make matters worse amidst this colossal failure of a domestic deed he looked up at me and smiled proudly.

Wait I’m not finished, there’s more…

Lee also tried to wash the dishes by pouring detergent on each dish and brushing gently with his hands, he tried to wipe the dish counter by drowning it, he attempted to vacuum with a pressure cleaner, despite coming to my house all of the time he always walked the wrong way when we got off the bus. It was so ridiculous I figured he had to be doing it on purpose. When I realized he wasn’t, I found myself snooping through his wallet for his ID to make sure he wasn’t 12. Instead I found his fake ID. And that’s when it hit me…I was a pervert and I was going to hell. I couldn’t take it anymore, he was just so useless. But of course the Universe had to make me the butt of it’s sick joke one last time. I’ll call this time:

SHOWER TIME

What should have been a romantic shower turned into a Rubber Ducky, Mommy and Me, “How to take a shower properly” lesson. That’s right. Before that apparently Lee thought that the object of Shower Time was all about making sure the soap never touched your skin and gargling the water while jerking it a bit. I told him all about the stinky winky areas and all the other gross places he should rub a dub dub so he wasn’t so smelly welly. My dignity went right down the drain along with the shower water and my reason to ever look in the mirror again.

TIP: If your toy-friend is relatively clueless as to how to take care of himself. Be patient. It could be worse, you could be dating an older man. Try very hard not to be rude, but don’t find yourself doing everything for him either. Show him three times and then let him do it on his own. In Lee’s case he was beyond brilliant, but when it came to everyday simple tasks he just never cared. I was surprised how quickly he pulled it together. So don’t lose faith…yet.

PRO# 3: YOU’LL SET THE STANDARD FOREVER

Chances are he is not a washed up whore…yet. So, for the rest of his life, especially if you are his first love, he will compare the others to you. And the others will have you to thank for all those neat tricks you taught him in bed. You’ll be a legend! And he’ll never forget you. I know it’s selfish to want to be remembered forever, but it’s also kind of flattering, unless he has to start seeking therapy or something. But yeah, I’ll tell myself whatever I want to hear so I’m sure Lee is somewhere right now winking at the sky saying, “Thanks so much for Chantelle. She changed my life forever. I have her to thank for all of my greatest successes. I think I’ll send her a blank check!”

CON #3: THEY ARE USUALLY BROKE

Lee actually made more money than me which was a con of my very own. Because let me tell you, there is something about sitting at the bank while a nineteen year old gets thousands of dollars wired to his account that is very…how should I word this, depressing.

But from what I hear, most younger men are broke. I’m not sure forking out the extra bucks in this situation is worth it. Try to come up with fun events that don’t cost anything like having sex. You can also watch movies at your place (his place is probably a dump anyway and if it’s clean then he probably just hasn’t figured out he’s gay yet). Worse comes to worse just hang out with him every second Friday of the month because that’s when whatever grocery store, clothing store, cafe or gym will unleash his whopping $30 before taxes paycheck.

TIP: Try to be on your best behavior. Like I mentioned before, Lee taught me a lot of valuable life lessons. Just because we are older doesn’t mean we know everything. I promise you you will have a lot of fun and it’ll be refreshing. You’ll always feel attractive because he will always want to sleep with you. So try it out and see what happens, if you find you are hungry, spending all your money, or tired of playing mommy remember it could be worse…you could be dating an older man.

Posted by Chantelle Posted in: For Gay Men, For Straight Women 16 Comments » December 2007

Androgyny: My Vagina Is So Confused

There’s a new craze sweeping the nation, it hit in the 80’s and now it’s back. Every one is androgynous. What did that mean for a gal like me in the Fall of 2002?

It all began when I found my way out of the closet one day early that Spring. I threw a party, several actually…more than several. Everything seemed perfect. My new life was amazing until one day while driving by Burbank High School fate decided to mess with my head a little. I took a look out of my car window and smiled. She was beautiful, short brown hair, some sort of band t-shirt, tight tight jeans, converse or some other canvas shoe, a facial piercing or two and a tattoo. She looked like all the other girls I slept with during the summer. Only, summer was over, and she was wearing a back pack and hanging out near a High School. The tattoo got her grounded by her parents and either that was one hell of a clitoris or the Lesbian beauty I imagined wasn’t a Lesbian after all. It was a 16-year old boy on his way home from school. My dreams were shattered. So I went home. Kid you not, I hopped in the shower in an attempt to wash the situation away. I was also probably dirty but the added filth of fantasizing about an under aged kid was hard to wash away.

CAN YOU TELL WHICH ONE IS THE TEENAGE BOY AND WHICH ONE IS THE LESBIAN?

You have to understand that to a Lesbian the idea of a big hairy, sweaty, breathy, pectoral having, testosterone dripping male does not only have a mysterious drying affect, but it’s also kind of hilarious. So without a doubt, no questions asked we flee from that image with glee proudly putting a big check next to the box that reads LESBIAN. And then we throw parties over the weekend, the ones that guys fantasize about. I won’t lie we really do have parties like that. They end in orgies sometimes as well. And when you wake up from a summer of parties like that only to drive down the street later that week and find yourself attracted to a member of the male species, it’s a confusing nightmare. Every time I passed by the closet I could hear the hangers jangling, they were laughing at me beckoning me to slither back in.

Let me be the one to tell you that if a new Lesbian decides to date a man all hell breaks loose. She can’t steer herself away from the clubs, and circle of friends she has because her life evolves around it. Not because it has to, but because it’s just easier that way. I mean we are constantly surrounded by beautiful women and for a Lesbian new to the scene it’s like being a kid in a candy store. You don’t walk away from quality vagina to go hang out with some dude. It’s just common sense right? Because if you do you will lose your friends. You will have to walk by the clubs you once partied at with your head down quickly letting go of your new boyfriend’s hand in an attempt to look like you had an itch on your head or something else you needed your hand for. But that itch is deep and it just won’t scratch away.

At this point I decided to call a board meeting. A few members included my vagina, my libido, my self-respect and my dignity. And what they had to say was:

Vagina: “I like penetration and he looks like a girl. Maybe in the dark he will have some flesh around his nipples you can squeeze together and make boobies out of. ”

Libido: “I don’t care, summer is over, take what you can get!”

Dignity: “I left a long time ago. Don’t quote me.”

Self-Respect: “Are you honestly going to let your so called friends dictate who you’ll be sleeping with? What if there is a real connetion? Your real friends will stand by you no matter what you decide. Don’t be such a pussy!”

My self-respect had a valid point. Why was I placing so much stake in what these women had to say? Why did I care so much? Was I really that much of a pussy?

The answer was, YES. We are what we eat after all and during the Fall of ‘02 I put the Androgynous wonder I saw outside of Burbank Highschool out of my mind and went to a few more parties. Maybe one day I would grow a spine and have what it took to do some experimenting but I wasn’t ready. My friends were too hot. I taped the closet door shut and breathed a sigh of relief. Back to being a Lesbian again! Take that Androgyny!

…I also didn’t want to end up in jail for statutory rape, so maybe my brain was somewhere present at that board meeting as well.

Posted by Chantelle Posted in: For Gay Men, For Lesbians, For Straight Men, For Straight Women 3 Comments » December 2007

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