How To Turn A Lesbian Out

5 Things I Would Have Done Differently With Miss Nathalie

Remember the day you realized you were a Lesbian? Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. I think it probably took me a series of days and several “moments of realization” to come to the point where I accepted my sexuality. I can’t pinpoint an exact moment.

Now let me ask you another question. Do you remember WHO made you realize (or at least start thinking) you were a Lesbian? I bet you remember her like it was yesterday. I don’t know about you but I can still smell her hair, see her freckles and here her charming and subtle voice whisper, “Girl I would totally hook up with you,” after stirring up trouble in a few Lesbian chat rooms. Out of all the wonderful word collaborations I have come across in my years I have to say that is still one of my favorite sentences.

Every Lesbian has been turned out in one way or another. Maybe it was your best friend in High-School, or a girl you never thought you would even have a conversation with, let alone your first orgasm. Or maybe it was an actress in a movie you still store underneath the secret tile in your bathroom. But what happens when WE become the lucky lady a future Lesbian will never forget? Being unforgettable is a rather weighty matter, don’t you agree? Are we prepared to be so memorable? I know for sure I wasn’t.

In fact, I wasn’t ready for Miss Nathalie at all. I met her right after I woke up from a nap. I wasn’t even going to go to Big Bear. I was flying out to New Jersey in a couple of days to visit a few friends and a fine young lady I met at a club months prior. Little did I know love was just a cold trip, a minor…major altercation with my ego, and a few shameless phone calls away.

#1) Is It Just Your Imagination?

Or maybe it’s the alcohol. Either way, assumption is one hell of a sinking ship. Sit back and view the situation as if you were an outsider, not one of the key players.

In my case I was a strapping, young predator. I had been single for 5 years and always on the prowl. I considered it my career to notice when women were attracted to me. (Too bad I didn’t focus some of that ambition on something that would have gotten me a life.) If I wasn’t on point then I didn’t get women, it was that simple. When I met Nathalie she mentioned she had seen my page on MySpace then tried to play it down like she wasn’t “stalking” me. I knew immediately, that no one tries to play down something unless they have something to hide. As I mentioned in How to Attract a Woman From A Lesbian’s Point of View people often try to portray the opposite of what is really going on. If someone is saying they checked out your MySpace and they are making it seem like they spent a lot of time in doing so, in my experience they seem like someone who wants to look like they really care and pay attention to detail, because it seems humble and people like humble. But they are often far from humble. If the person is trying to make it seem like they “accidentally” came across your page and over explaining how it was an accident with lame excuses such as, “Your on my Friend’s Top 10 and the picture just really stands out because I’m a….” or “I’m always bored and looking at random people’s profiles blah blah etc.” They were probably looking at your page and reading up info on you because they think you are interesting, or hot.

Take a look at the signs. Does she keep looking at you? Is she really nervous? Always trying to get your attention? Or is it a pipe dream? Is she immediately looking away in disinterest? Overall unimpressed? Yawning? Bored? Be honest with yourself.

If you aren’t very clear on the issue, just talk to her a bit on a casual note. One on one interaction allows a better read for body language. She might be nervous around her straight friends, but I’ll touch on that later.

#2) No Pressure Baby Girl

Looking back on the situation I have to say in my early twenties I was an arrogant mass of waste and small talk. I was also shamelessly aggressive and unwilling to repent and see the error in my ways. The same way that we find aggressive men to be irritating is the same way any woman we approach aggressively who is not interested (or maybe was before we opened our mouth) sees us.

I had a call-back for a Mc Donald’s commercial, so a friend of mine and I had to leave and then come back to Big Bear. Before I left Nathalie made me promise I would come back. Mind you I was the only Lesbian in sight, everyone in the cabin was a straight man besides two other girls. When I got back I could see the men circling her, fighting for her attention and failing miserably. So I asked her to come to the hot tub with me, and that is where we had our first kiss.

I thought that because I could see all of this I was some kind of Don Juan who had saved this poor girl from the Testosterone Fest that was the Living Room of the cabin. I didn’t take anything into account besides my own ego and perspective. Poor Nathalie.

Remember, you may know she is a Lesbian, especially if she reminds you of yourself in certain B.C. (Before Closet) situations. But she may not know yet. And just because she is attracted to you doesn’t make her a Lesbian. It just means she is attracted to you. There is no 100% way to figure out if she is full on Lesbian until you get to know her for a while. We can’t “Turn her” Gay just as much as people who do their best to embarrass Christians can’t “turn us” straight. You can’t have one side of the coin without the other.

Unfortunately I had to learn this the hard way. I was very pushy with Nathalie. I had no compassion for her situation, and was not in the least bit patient. And of course the more I tried to prove she was a Lesbian the harder she fought back and sunk even deeper into the closet. Instead of just appreciating the experience I was so fast to put titles on it in a sad attempt to tickle my ego’s fancy. It did nothing but confuse her, and make her very sad and stressed.

Remember, if she is a Lesbian and you are her first she is going to recall this experience FOREVER. So don’t be a dick…)lol, I guess that is a pun.) In fact, don’t even bring up the The L Word, (unless she has Showtime and you don’t of course.) DON’T TITLE ANYTHING! YOU’LL RUIN IT! She has a family, a string of straight friends and a whole lot to think about. Try to remember when you came out, did it happen overnight? Probably not. In this situation it’s pretty easy to put yourself in her place so there is no excuse to act the way I did. The best you can do is offer her a peaceful retreat from the eyes of judgment she may receive in the “Coming Out” process. She might not even come out of the closet just yet. Don’t expect anything from her. Just be good to one another and see what comes of it.

#3) The Straights Haven’t A Clue

I’m not really a “Turn the Other Cheek” kind of girl as you can maybe tell. But here goes…Turn the Other Cheek. There. I said it. You are going to have to excuse the behavior of certain straight friends and other folk because they aren’t gay and have no idea what is going on. Usually ignorance is bliss, but in the case of Straight Friends in situations like these, Ignorance is nothing but pure, unadulterated, no additives…Drama.

Allow me to explain myself. EVERYONE was against Nathalie and I hooking up. They were trying to hook her up with another guy. I was so hurt, I couldn’t believe that friends of mine couldn’t see that we had an obvious connection. It was like they were going behind my back and trying to sabotage it. It really messed with my head for a while. Being the drama Queen I was I took it to all kinds of levels. Finally I asked the closest friend to me in the situation what was up and I realized that she was beyond clueless. She literally had no idea what was going on and really and truthfully thought Nathalie was straight.

They haven’t gone through anything like this personally before so be patient. You can try explaining it the best way you can but don’t take it personally when they don’t immediately want to see their mall buddy or wing woman hop over the fence. For all you know they may fear that their friend will dump them for other more Lesbian friends which in a lot of cases happens, so don’t judge them. Let them process everything the way they need to.

I’m not saying to take any disrespect from anyone, but your focus should be a little less on people’s reactions and a little more on your latest attraction.

#4) Don’t Let The Haters Bring You Down

In my case I had a lot of men who were very competitive with me and jealous of the situation. Mind you I had stepped back months prior when a woman showed one of the guy’s who was giving me a hard time at Big Bear some attention. But Nathalie was and still is GORGEOUS. And our little fling sent many a man’s ego packing. I’m still to this day surprised at how much power they gave me. In all seriousness it really was just luck. They made it seem like a competition that I had won. But women aren’t objects to be won. It was Nathalie’s choice in the end and by some random stroke of fate she had chosen me. It could have been anybody.

In particular one guy was furious. He is very sexist, can’t stand Lesbians because they represent everything he is so afraid of- A world that has nothing to do with him. He tried everything in his power to pull Nathalie and I apart. I mean, no one’s perfect but honestly it was like it was his goal to fail in life as much as humanly possible. Ugh, but I was young and naive. And shouldn’t have even been a friend of a friend of his. There is no excuse to be around negative energy.

So yes, you are going to have some haters. People who are confused, intimidated, feel challenged or defeated. I find it funny that most haters try to make the most foreign situations all about them. No one of importance ever cares and it’s just embarrassing for them. You shouldn’t even be associated or around people like that. Failure and negativity are as contagious as Success and Positivity. So put yourself around the latter. Besides, the situation is out of everyone’s control. She’s a Lesbian and the quicker you make the situation more about you and her and less about everyone else the better off you two will be in the long run…and the short run for that matter.

#5) Forget Your Age, Act Your Bra Size

Notice how no matter what your bra size is at least in the 30s? You need to be mature about this. No matter what happens between you two don’t burn bridges. I went a long time not talking to Nathalie for the stupidest reasons all surrounding my ego and my pride. The lack of communication and how much we let everyone else’s opinion get to us was a real shame. Especially on my part because I was older and had been through similar situations I obviously didn’t learn from.

It is very likely that the new Lesbian you are dating will go back into the closet for a little while and take some time to really assess what happened. I’m not saying to expect the relationship to go south. Just because we don’t get what we want when we want it in life doesn’t mean anything went wrong. It just means reality has its own agenda and often it is much different and more amazing than ours. Be patient, and understanding and if it ends, be as good a friend as you can be. At a time like this she really does need someone she can talk to that is not going to judge her or try to think for her.

So cheers and good luck! I hope you do much better than I did.

Nathalie and I are both very good friends now. We both ended up in the fine city of San Francisco. She came out of the closet 5 months ago and is now 21 years old. I met her when she was 18 and I was 22. We were able to work out our differences and stay in one another’s lives. I actually hung out with her last night which inspired this blog to begin with.

This one is dedicated to you “Miss Nathalie.”

Love, Cha Chi

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• Androgyny: My Vagina Is So Confused
• The Girl To Go To Glossary
• How to Attract Women From A Lesbian’s Point of View

Posted by Chantelle Posted in: For Lesbians 5 Comments » February 2008