2007 December | The Girl To Go To

How to play the Dating Game the Lesbian way

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How to Give the Perfect Gift

Yes, this season is about giving…in theory. But why not be the best gift-giver you can possibly be? More importantly, why not shamelessly and effortlessly defeat your competition?

THE CAST

The GIFT GIVER: Played by none other than YOU

The GIFTEE (otherwise known as the Gift Receiver): Lover, person you want to be your lover, co-worker, family member, fiancé, husband, wife, person you know is going to get you a gift and you will feel like crap if you don’t give him one

The GIFTROBBERS (people who want to outdo you in the gift-giving process.): These people may include jealous family members, wannabe lovers of the GIFTEE, passive aggressive relatives, a person who likes to throw money around to hide his glaring flaws, etc.

Step #1: SIZE UP YOUR GIFTEE

What makes them tick? Have they been dropping hints all along? If you are having problems with this step, think back to a recent conversation you had with the giftee. Pick a gift that shows them you were actually listening to them while they were talking. This gift can be an inside joke as well. Survey says: People like it when you listen to them.

Step #2: SIZE UP YOUR WALLET

How much can you spend? Don’t go overboard here. Try not to come off as too cheap, either. A common mistake people make when shopping for their loved ones is that they try to cover up for lack of creativity and originality by dropping a few extra bucks. You are better than this. Come up with a reasonable budget and be creative.

Step #3: DON’T BE OBVIOUS

You work at a bookstore? Getting your girlfriend a book from the bookstore you work at and probably get a discount at is a TERRIBLE IDEA. She will know you couldn’t come up with anything else and that you were cheap enough to want an extra 30% off. CHEAP and BORING is not a combo that is going to put you in the gift-giving winner’s circle.

Step #4: PRESENTATION IS EVERYTHING

Your girlfriend is a fashion freak? She’s been dropping hints she wants new threads this holiday season? Sweet. Clothing is an awesome holiday gift idea. It can also be a boring holiday gift Idea if you are not careful. One way to spice this gift idea up is what I like to call “the layer.” Get several items of clothing and layer them. Wrap them that way. For example: You have a t-shirt, a hoodie, and a messenger bag. Put the t-shirt in the hoodie, fold them and place them inside the messenger bag. Hide stickers and other fun items in the compartments of the messenger bag. Wrap the gift nicely and neatly, or fork out the extra bucks to get it gift-wrapped. When the giftee opens the gift, he continues to find one surprise after the other. It’s like a gift-wrapped treasure hunt.

Step #5: ACCEPT YOUR VICTORY WITH CLASS

No need to brag; he is happy with you. You have won. They keep smiling at you and playing with their new gift. Everyone else knows they have lost. Be graceful in your victory. After all, are you surprised? You knew you would win anyway.
Thinking of giving clothing as a gift? Make sure your apparel is fresh, on point and original. Here are some t-shirt shops you want to check out:

AlternativeApparel (blank tees that fit like a glove)
WearMeNaked.etsy (hand painted, artistic tees)
Villains, San Francisco (Haight St.)
Visit WearMeNaked. We specialize in hand painted, hand crafted t-shirts. Besides giving your shirts a good hand job, we’re about as hand painted and couture as one little t-shirt can stand to be.

Posted by Chantelle Posted in: For Gay Men, For Lesbians, For Straight Men, For Straight Women No Comments » December 2007

3 Pros And Cons of Dating A Younger Guy

So, you’ve got your eyes on a younger lad? Of course you do. And who can blame you? Don’t tell the other lesbians but wanna hear a secret? You know that movie DISTURBIA? You know that part where Shia LeBouf sits on the couch and starts watching television before his mother comes home and almost catches him watching porn? You probably don’t because you didn’t rewind it as many times as I did. Even the girl who claims to be “into older men” is waiting for that guy she married to hurry up and die so she can spend his money on the son he had with that previous wife he probably should have stuck it out with. Face it, younger guys are just hot. Almost as hot as older women, tee hee.

Remember that little thing called Androgyny that had me all confused that fateful fall in 2002? (Androgyny: My Vagina Is So Confused) Several years later Androgyny got the best of me yet again. He was nineteen, and looked liked Rosamund Pike would if she were mixed. (From now on I will refer to shim as “Lee”) We started hanging out and, well as you can guess there were some PROS and some CONS. And as you have probably further guessed by the title of this disaster waiting to happen, I’m going to list them.

PRO #1: HE’S NOT JADED JUST YET

Lee had his whole life ahead of him, he was talented, brilliant and refreshing to be around. I had just gotten out of a relationship where we constantly argued. With Lee there was no pressure. It was easy and fun.

Over time we allow ourselves to get so bitter about the most trivial things. Love doesn’t work out for us a few times, so we use it as an excuse to close ourselves off and treat everyone we date like ass. Our career isn’t going the way we planned, we sell out and scoff at anyone who even dreams of having dreams. When Lee spoke of his hopes and dreams his eyes would light up like it was Christmas morning and he could finally open his presents. At the time I was really distraught about my clothing company, WEAR ME NAKED. I had no idea what the next step was and I was losing faith. Being around someone as positive as he was gave me a lot of inspiration. The way he made things so simple was amazing. At the time I was doing client work, I didn’t realize how much I truly loathed client work until Lee very casually pointed it out. He changed the direction of my company.

I learned to let a lot of my grudges go and just keep on trucking without any regrets. That is actually one of my favorite lessons life has had to offer thus far.

CON #1: THEY ARE ALWAYS HUNGRY AND HAVE DISGUSTING AMOUNTS OF ENERGY

I love energetic people. I am not one of them though. I’m a very laid back person. My idea of exercise is walking to the post-office…and back! (1 mile) Lee’s idea of exercise was a 2 hour game of soccer, 4 forty-five minute sex sessions and a casual mountain climb. I could barely keep up. Not only did I feel like I was so much closer to death than he was, I felt out of shape. Then I realized it wasn’t just a feeling, I really was out of shape. So I decided to make myself feel better about it by eating some ice cream, only Lee took an entire carton to the face earlier. So I went for the Pirate’s Booty only Lee inhaled that the other night. He had eaten me out of house and home. I couldn’t even snack my misery away.

TIP: If you find yourself hungry, try to make it a point to eat at his place if you can. He won’t have any food of course so you’ll still be hungry but when you go home your food will still be in tact.

PRO #2: YOU WILL NEVER LOOK BETTER

Get ready to lose weight! He will devour all of your food so you will have no option but to dine on the remaining crumbs. On top of that in order to keep up with him you will have to up the physical fitness level just a bit which will be easy because as you’ll realize, his energy is contagious.

You will also find yourself competing with him. I often found that Lee looked better than me in my own clothes. It was inspiration to tone up a bit. I couldn’t stand for my guy to be prettier than me. I had no choice but to get off my bum and stay fit.

CON #2: GET READY TO CHANGE DIAPERS MOMMY!

I came back from the bathroom at my mother’s house to find Lee “making the bed.” In fact, what Lee was doing was sitting in the middle of the bed gently and patiently trying to iron the sheet flat underneath him. I’ll give it to him, he reached all the way around in a circle of failure determined to make that sheet flat, only one problem…he was sitting on it! To make matters worse amidst this colossal failure of a domestic deed he looked up at me and smiled proudly.

Wait I’m not finished, there’s more…

Lee also tried to wash the dishes by pouring detergent on each dish and brushing gently with his hands, he tried to wipe the dish counter by drowning it, he attempted to vacuum with a pressure cleaner, despite coming to my house all of the time he always walked the wrong way when we got off the bus. It was so ridiculous I figured he had to be doing it on purpose. When I realized he wasn’t, I found myself snooping through his wallet for his ID to make sure he wasn’t 12. Instead I found his fake ID. And that’s when it hit me…I was a pervert and I was going to hell. I couldn’t take it anymore, he was just so useless. But of course the Universe had to make me the butt of it’s sick joke one last time. I’ll call this time:

SHOWER TIME

What should have been a romantic shower turned into a Rubber Ducky, Mommy and Me, “How to take a shower properly” lesson. That’s right. Before that apparently Lee thought that the object of Shower Time was all about making sure the soap never touched your skin and gargling the water while jerking it a bit. I told him all about the stinky winky areas and all the other gross places he should rub a dub dub so he wasn’t so smelly welly. My dignity went right down the drain along with the shower water and my reason to ever look in the mirror again.

TIP: If your toy-friend is relatively clueless as to how to take care of himself. Be patient. It could be worse, you could be dating an older man. Try very hard not to be rude, but don’t find yourself doing everything for him either. Show him three times and then let him do it on his own. In Lee’s case he was beyond brilliant, but when it came to everyday simple tasks he just never cared. I was surprised how quickly he pulled it together. So don’t lose faith…yet.

PRO# 3: YOU’LL SET THE STANDARD FOREVER

Chances are he is not a washed up whore…yet. So, for the rest of his life, especially if you are his first love, he will compare the others to you. And the others will have you to thank for all those neat tricks you taught him in bed. You’ll be a legend! And he’ll never forget you. I know it’s selfish to want to be remembered forever, but it’s also kind of flattering, unless he has to start seeking therapy or something. But yeah, I’ll tell myself whatever I want to hear so I’m sure Lee is somewhere right now winking at the sky saying, “Thanks so much for Chantelle. She changed my life forever. I have her to thank for all of my greatest successes. I think I’ll send her a blank check!”

CON #3: THEY ARE USUALLY BROKE

Lee actually made more money than me which was a con of my very own. Because let me tell you, there is something about sitting at the bank while a nineteen year old gets thousands of dollars wired to his account that is very…how should I word this, depressing.

But from what I hear, most younger men are broke. I’m not sure forking out the extra bucks in this situation is worth it. Try to come up with fun events that don’t cost anything like having sex. You can also watch movies at your place (his place is probably a dump anyway and if it’s clean then he probably just hasn’t figured out he’s gay yet). Worse comes to worse just hang out with him every second Friday of the month because that’s when whatever grocery store, clothing store, cafe or gym will unleash his whopping $30 before taxes paycheck.

TIP: Try to be on your best behavior. Like I mentioned before, Lee taught me a lot of valuable life lessons. Just because we are older doesn’t mean we know everything. I promise you you will have a lot of fun and it’ll be refreshing. You’ll always feel attractive because he will always want to sleep with you. So try it out and see what happens, if you find you are hungry, spending all your money, or tired of playing mommy remember it could be worse…you could be dating an older man.

Posted by Chantelle Posted in: For Gay Men, For Straight Women 14 Comments » December 2007

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